Departure

120

It was a Sunday evening that Daina and I parted ways. Given how much of our time together had been to share watching television shows, it seemed to make sense to end with the last new show until a span of repeats began.

Originally, I was shocked. When I told Daina of my 'situation' years earlier she had actually seemed enthusiastic about helping me research it and even lent me her car for my trips to see the specialist in Denver. But as time went on, she had become irritated and despondent and wouldn't say why. I just ended up assuming it was from the news of her mother's cancer and subsequent death. But now that I had contacted my family to let them know of my 'situation' and decision to normalize as female, the source of Daina's resentment toward me became clear: It was this decision. She wouldn't talk to me about it but finally agreed to join me to some visits with Samuel in the hopes that he could tease out the issues behind the resentments.

Daina and I sat side by side on his couch as he sat in the single chair across from us and gently prodded for what the issue might be. Finally Daina burst out that she didn't think I should be a woman as I made ''Animal Noises''. I burst out with an incredulous smile, fighting back the urge to break out laughing and fought to guess what she meant by that. Finally I did put two & two together and noted that, indeed, I sometimes would say ''meow'' to a cat, or ''woof'' to a dog, or ''moo'' to a cow, but I didn't see how that was a problem. Samuel turned to Daina and she wasn't going to explain it any further and the first of these three appointments soon came to an end with little more than Samuel getting some general information on Daina's background. Leaving his office I couldn't help myself and asked Daina, ''Animal Noises?'' She didn't want to talk about it or the session any further.

For the second visit, Daina had little to offer other than my height as to why I shouldn't choose to be a woman. That was easily addressed as I noted, because of my intersexed background, I had actually ended up a bit shorter than my mother and the same height as my sister. While in the transsexual field there had developed a race based conclusion of who should and who shouldn't change ''from a man to a woman'' based on how their height and weight fit into the idealized Caucasian norm, as I was from a mixed race background and, for that matter I was addressing an intersexed condition not a transsexual issue, that sort of gauge didn't seem relevant to me. Daina didn't have a response and the meeting was soon over without any new insights as to what was causing her irritation about my decision.

During this time I had gotten my RMT job offer and accepted it and Vocational Rehabilitation actually paid for cab fare to take me to and from the complex each day I worked for the first two weeks until I received my first paycheck and could use it as a down payment for my own a car. As a result, between dinners and Daina helping me decide on my business wear wardrobe, we would visit various used car lots in search of a car I might like. During these times it had become the rule that we were not to talk of the cause of her irritation until our next appointment with Samuel. So the irritation just persisted creating a wall between us as the weeks wore on. We finally found a car for me, but as I had only just started a new job after years of being unemployed, I couldn't get financing for it on my own and Daina finally agreed to cosign my car loan so, if for any reason I stopped making payments for it, Daina would be on the hook for the balance and the financing company would feel safe. I thanked her, but she saw my getting a car as a means of us spending less tense time together in her car.

By the third meeting the dam broke at Samuel's office:

When Daina had first met me she had been with a coworker friend, 'Rochelle', and as Rochelle was the extroverted one of the pair, she befriended me first. Given Rochelle's comely appearance and her propensity to talk of her many past boyfriends as conquests, her limited presence in my life had lead people to believe I had chosen her as a girlfriend and thus this had given me 'a reputation'. While the friendship with Rochelle didn't last long, she had then started listing me at Daina's & her workplace as one of her past boyfriends, thus giving me 'a reputation' at their school in the rumor mill as well. Daina saw this as her chance to establish her own 'reputation' as she had never had a boyfriend of her own, nor had even been on a real date for fear of ending up in a relationship like her parents had during her lifetime.

By befriending me, Daina had been leading her school friends to believe we were an intimate couple over these past few years. Then when I told her of my 'situation' Daina had come to realize that God had sent me to her. In her mind I truly was that 'perfect boyfriend for her'. We had so many interests in common and given my physical 'limitations' she would never have to worry about me wanting anything of her sexually that she was uncomfortable facing. So for me, while we had been friends these past few years and she had been helping me out as I regained my health and tried to reclaim my life, to her friends she had portrayed me as her boyfriend having fresh stories of our frequent times together doing stuff and letting her coworkers and family assume more was happening 'after hours'.

That was why Daina was against my normalizing as female as: What would she tell her friends? Her family? That nothing had been going on all along and she had been intentionally misleading them? Of course she couldn't. Daina originally thought that when I looked into my intersexed 'situation' it would result in my finding ways to become 'more of a man', but once it was clear that wasn't going to happen, Daina wanted me to remain as I had been living my life since the age of thirteen, bound and pretending to be a man as best I could, that way I would continue to ''be the man'' in her life.

I told her after so many years of already living my life that way, I definitely didn't want to spend the rest of it like that as well. Drawing from her wealth of classical readings, Daina tried to point out that ''Your life story makes such a great classical tragedy. Why would you want to give that up and have a life just like everyone else?''

I was speechless as was Samuel and when the end of the appointment came Daina made her way back to the car while Samuel held me back for a moment. He recommended I end my friendship with Daina as soon as possible...!

But I still felt we could work it out. Daina could just let it come out to her friends and coworkers that we weren't 'a couple' but 'just friends' during these years but that wasn't what Daina wanted to do. She liked the reputation she had gained in their eyes. As the subsequent weeks went on, she further explained to me that another reason she didn't want me as a 'female' friend in her life was because all of her female friends had subsequently found a boyfriend and coupled up, leaving Daina behind, forgotten. She couldn't bear the thought that I might, also, find myself a boyfriend 'afterwards' and not only would she be left behind, again, but having come from a mixed-sex background be ''more successful being a woman'' than she had been during her lifetime.

While I told her I didn't have any dating goals in mind, I also wasn't willing to swear I would never be open to them in the future. With that, Daina concluded for herself that we needed to end our friendship and while I tried to comfort and assure her it wouldn't be an issue, her slowly welling hostility toward me made it clear that the past fun of our friendship was going to disappear either way and I finally relented and agreed to the end.

After finishing our final television show for the night, I followed Daina out to her car and we chatted for a bit and then I thanked her for all of her help and support over these past many years I had known her. Given how she had fed me and helped me when my apartment had been destroyed as well as assuring I was able to go back to College and frequently provided me rides as part of it so I could complete my degree, I thanked her for ''saving my life'' as my final words to her. That seemed to coax a smile out of her for the first time in months and she got into her car and started it while I made my way back to my apartment.

I moved to my bedroom window and opened the curtains to watch her car drive by... And she was gone. I stood there for a while looking to the grassy vacant lot beyond the parking lot for a time and it dawned on me I was back to my childhood place starting out my sister's bedroom window to the hayfield beyond, waiting for the time when she would come back and see me again.

But in this case I knew Daina never would.

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Notifying The Family

118

After three months of my resumes being out and no jobs being offered, I decided I needed to move on with my personal life. Given the success of the hormone treatments I had been having during the past two years, I decided that the best long term decision for me would be to 'normalize' my sex as female. As part of this decision, Samuel recommended I let my family members know and thus have a good measure of which ones would be supportive and which ones wouldn't be. Ultimately I had no problem with this as, since I hadn't felt a high level of support from my family over the decades, I really wasn't worried if the intermittent contact I had with them was the only victim. Of my family members, I assumed that my father and mother would cut contact with me for sure, but I saw that more as a relief than a problem, so it was a question of which of my siblings might cut contact with me, themselves.

Daina didn't like the idea at all and felt I should wait until I found a new job and saved money for a few years and then decide how to lead my personal life. As jobs weren't immediately apparent, I didn't agree with her.

I spent a week crafting a common letter for all my immediate family members. I noted my years of having 'an issue', lightly giving some of the physical details but avoiding anything that would cause someone to abruptly stop reading, and then ended the letter with my decision to live the rest of my life as female. I then took this base letter and made five variations for each member with a touch of personalization. I printed and reread them just to be sure and then added my signature to each and mailed them off by the end of September, Nineteen Ninety-Four.

As no surprise my father again disowned me, having my eldest brother call me to let me know. For his part though, my eldest brother didn't have a problem with it. My sister didn't have a problem with it either, though surprisingly my not as older brother wrote back a letter saying he felt it was a 'betrayal'. His point was that, if mother had told me to keep it a secret for all of these years, I should have continued with that. Then he noted, upon reflection and after discussing it with my eldest brother, he had decided to 'forgive me' and accept my decision.

To my shock, my mother's reaction was the most extreme: She was fully supportive.

At the time I was thrown for a loop by this as I had been planning on not having to hear from her again. But in retrospect, after being the only family member to care for her when she had fractured her pelvis, she had concluded that she had to stay on my good side and keep me available in her life in case anything else happened where she would need help. That's my interpretation of her response. But what she did was want to know the details and started to send me frequent holiday cards in the vein of 'To My Darling Daughter, --'. When a friend later saw these, he thought she was being sarcastic with the cards, but I thought she was just over compensating for all the years since she had told me to keep my 'situation' a secret.

With notifying family members out of the way, I decided to verbally notify my friends in town. Of those friends, the ones I was most fearful of losing would be the one's who had supported the anti-Gay rights 'Amendment 2' in Colorado. It turned out I didn't have to worry. All of my friends who were still in contact with me had chosen to know me given my 'personality, talents, and interests', not based on my gender. So for them they just saw this as another interesting facet of the person that was me. The one friend I feared losing the most was my long time friend in Colorado, Jeff, as a few years earlier a member of the Denver science fiction club had come out as a transsexual and Jeff soon stopped attending their meetings with her there. But when I brought it up to him, he noted that it wasn't the club member coming out as a transsexual that had lead him to leave the club, but that she had then spent the rest of her time at the subsequent club meetings as an ardent feminist, taking the club off of its focus of science fiction & fantasy interests. So Jeff's only concern was if I was going to be undergoing a 'change in personality' as well as legal sex. I assured him I wasn't. I was just going to be the same person with a different letter on my driver's license. That was fine with him.

Given that I had been out of contact with my high school friends for years, I decided not to bother tell them as I felt it would only end up as grist for High School Reunions to take place years later. Otherwise, I didn't see the point.

When I reported to Samuel of the news of notifying my family and friends and how it had gone, he was pleased and, in fact, very surprised that there hadn't been any fall out with anyone I knew and cared about. I agreed and even joked wistfully that, yes, even my mother hadn't cut contact with me!

As time went on, I did lose contact with some of these Colorado friends, but it was due to the normal drift of life interests and nothing to do with my legal change of gender. Of my Colorado friends, there was only one who I lost: Daina.

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Seeing The Destination

117

And with the end of May Nineteen Ninety-Four came the end of my last full semester of College. Having a chat with the receptionist student of half American and half German background, she told me that it had been a very close decision when tallying the grades but she had just narrowly beat me to become our Campus's Valedictorian. As the role conferred the responsibility of giving the speech at the graduation ceremony, I was glad I had just missed the bar as I didn't want to attend the event anyhow. I had actually received a better honor already by the time I graduated. The College had offered an Academic Excellence Award the previous year and I had won it giving me some additional scholarship money. With the end of College came the end of my Social Security PASS Plan and I would once again be back to my normal monthly income. Now with the most recent turn of the year cost of living adjustment, I would have just over one hundred dollars of spare money each month. I remembered how I had started at my first apartment having just under fifty dollars per month five years earlier.

There was still one more College class for me to take. It was a job hunt preparation class of only a couple sessions offered at the end of each semester for graduating students. As the Spring version conflicted with a core class I needed for my degree, my chance to take it had been bumped to the end of the summer semester. Still I wasn't going to wait for it before updating my resume and mailing it out. Actually, as I had gained such a diversity of skills over the years, I created three 'targeted' resumes, each with a subset of my skills intended for different types of computer jobs. One variation listed all of my Desktop Publishing skills, one for my Personal Computer maintenance and configuration skills, and finally the Computer Programming variation listing all of my completed projects, languages, and development platform experience. But this last one gave me pause. As I had roughly fourteen years of software development under my belt, but listed my degree as being received this year, I wondered if this resume would be seen as 'too good to be true'. As I had already had years of people disregarding my computer skills as they couldn't believe that I could truly have them I decided to play it safe and take out my most impressive projects, just keeping to a handful that would show breadth of skill without too much depth of experience. Technically, everything still in that resume was true, it just left out quite a bit.

With these resumes completed, I began mailing them to various businesses I thought might be interested and have openings, especially Rocky Mountain Telecom. That was still the place I wanted to work at and given my past letter of recommendation and the names of a few managers there, I felt I'd be a shoo-in now that I had my degree 'in hand'.

One wrinkle, I didn't have my degree in hand yet. As I hadn't taken that final course, they hadn't printed it up for the end of the spring semester. I'd have to wait until after the end of the summer semester before they'd issue the 'sheep skin' document to me. I didn't think it would be an issue.

Our local office of Colorado Vocational Rehabilitation was thrilled with my completion of college and let the University of Colorado job hunting team know so they could now bring forth jobs requiring a degree in order to apply. As a twist, they had found a job for me that didn't need the degree. Their helper I most often worked with had a perfect job for me: His wife was part of a start-up business that would be producing a new medical device. The Federal Drug Administration approval of their device would come down 'any day now' and they'd be making money hand over fist. As they wanted to get ready for that, they had rented office space and wanted to hire me to setup and maintain all of their data processing systems and office computers. I was taken to the empty office space they were going to move into and met his wife and all seemed fine, but it just wasn't that Rocky Mountain Telecom type job I had my eye on. Further, there were often reports in the news of how the F.D.A. routinely dragged their feet on approving anything and I felt like this new business was counting their one chicken before it had hatched. I explained this to the job hunting associate as my reasons why I wouldn't take the job, noting too that Social Security only had a limited transition period when taking a job and I didn't want to lose it on a business that might be defunct in under a year if the F.D.A. approval didn't come as hoped for.

To put it mildly, he was outraged I was turning down this job opportunity. He had been working on my behalf for the past two years to find me a job and here I was, with the first solid job opening he had found for me, nix that, a job specifically designed by him through his wife's position at the start-up to use my talents, and I was turning it down so I could wait around for a ''Pie in the sky'' corporate job that I would most likely never get. Not only was he outraged but he was dropping me as a client. My VocRehab counselor, Greg, was shaken by this as well but at the same time he understood my position and decided he wouldn't let this fall out result in VocRehab dropping me, too. Still, he warned me that I really couldn't pick and chose a prospective job, I needed to be thankful for what I could get going forward.

Two months later, Daina and I drove past the set of offices the start-up company had been settling into only to now see the offices were once again vacant and for lease. Either the F.D.A. approval had failed to come through like I suspected and the company had already folded, or they had hit it big and decided to immediately move to a more prestigious office park elsewhere in town. As I never heard the name of the company again, I suspect it was the former that happened and I had made the right decision.

In the meantime, since my resume was already sent in to various companies around town, all I needed to do was sit at my apartment and wait to hear back from one or more of them with job offers. The months came, and the months went, without a call.

When August came and I took the preparing to job hunt class, sure enough, there was nothing in the class that I didn't already know...

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A Death In The Family

116

In fifth grade, I had taken up the habit of having a 'sick day' on one of my father's days off to avoid the despised fifth grade teacher, but to also have a chance to get to know my father better. On one of these days, my father had to sort through the home's attic and I joined him up in the dark and dusty space. Sorting through his collection of post World War II 'Life' magazines he stumbled upon a box with a typed manuscript inside. He looked at it briefly as he remembered what it was. It was a book written by Pappy's brother, based in their childhood location of Nova Scotia. This came as a surprise to me as I hadn't known my father's side of the family had come from Canada. I asked about Pappy's brother but dad simply said he had died young and left it at that.

Sorting through more stuff, I found a giant sized dictionary missing its cover. Published soon into the nineteen hundreds, it had more words in it than I had ever known existed. It had been squirreled away in the attic after the hard bound cover had fallen off decades ago, but had been kept given how much it had cost at the time it was purchased. My father said it had been Pappy's brother's and he had used it while writing his book. I asked if I could bring it down and look through it. He agreed and I had a great rest of the day seeing all of these words I had never heard of before and wondered if I could one day get it rebound with a new protective cover. Then it was gone. I assumed my mother had found it.

Twenty years later, in the pre-Spring of Nineteen Ninety-Four, Daina's mother had died.

What more can one say but that?

Her various siblings from across the Western half of the country assembled for the first time in decades for the funeral, then quickly dispersed as many had disowned the others during their lives and didn't want to spend time with each other. As her father had already made plans to live elsewhere, there was the family home to sort through and place on the market. Of the four siblings living in Colorado, Daina told me that two of them had not been as helpful as she thought they should have been during their mother's illness and believed that sorting through the home would be a task handled by her and her youngest brother. Given that I had been joining Daina for years on other errand runs and I felt like I owed her a lot given all the free meals she had fed me over the years, I offered to join her on the weekends and help with the home.

Sorting through one's childhood heirlooms, there's always that conflict of things that once meant something to you, but did it still mean enough for you to make a new place for it in your adult life? That was the dilemma Daina faced with each and every day we tackled one room after another. At the time Daina kept more than she should and we brought many boxes of items from Denver back to her condo and its associated single car garage, now dedicated to storage. Even the simplest things such as a canister of soothing power Daina had bought her mother during her last weeks had a deep meaning for her and when another sibling threw it away, Daina was horrified as it meant something to her, at that time. Each loss of a personal possession of her mother's often hit her as a reminder of the loss of her mother, itself.

Daina told me I could have anything that another family member didn't want as my payment for the time and effort helping her. While I couldn't imagine wanting anything, I kept the offer in mind. Once the top floor was done and the bottom basement floor cleared out, all that was left was piled in the main floor for a final sorting and review. Would a distant family member want it? Should it go to charity? Or was it to badly worn and needed to be tossed out? Suddenly, to my surprise there was a huge dictionary that was published soon into the Nineteen hundreds. While I couldn't say it was the same edition as my father and I had found twenty years earlier, it was still similar enough that it reminded me of that treasured book, since lost.

I asked Daina if I could have it. She didn't think so as it was a family heirloom in good condition and she was sure another family member would want it. Still, she asked her father and he said, ''No,'' as he felt someone in the family should have it. Hopes dashed, it was put aside and I continued to help Daina until her family home was emptied out after little over four consecutive weekends of sorting through everything. As there was little else left to do, Daina made the last trip to Denver on her own and she and her father took a last walk through the house before it was placed for sale. When Daina returned, she had a surprise for me.

No other family member had wanted the giant dictionary and her father said I could have it given all of my help. I eagerly accepted it from her and told her to thank her father for me. I spent the next few weeks reading through one after another of the very thin pages. Given its weight, it had to be placed on a table to read through. Once the table space was needed, I made a slot for it amongst my book shelves and there it stayed to be looked at once in a very great while when it was time to look up an obscure word.

Without her mother to care for and visit from now on, I assumed Daina and I would spend more weekends doing things together...

In reality our friendship seemed to be on its last leg.

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My Role

114

My life was in a gentle arc of finishing the last year of College classes before I'd have my long sought after Bachelors degree. In Nineteen Ninety-Three very little happened in my life to disturb this gentle conclusion to my college years. But that doesn't mean the time wasn't without some tidbits...

One summer day Daina thought it would be easier if I just drove myself home from her condo that evening and then pick her up the next afternoon for errands rather than making the trip both ways herself. That made sense to me and I drove to my apartment complex and parked behind my bedroom window and settled in for the night. The next morning I got up, cleaned up, and dressed and looked out my apartment back window to check the weather. While the weather was fine, I realized Daina's car was gone! Not knowing how to respond to this, I decided to go to the complex's manager and ask him for his advice. He winced when I told him the news and explained that late last night the parking lot had been filled with cars that he suspected were for the next door jazz club. So he called up a towing company and in the darkness of night had them tow away all the cars he didn't recognize. This next day, a number of tenants had been coming to him to ask where their cars were. As with them, he handed me enough money from petty cash to pay for the car to be released from the tow lot and gave me the address. I checked the address inside my apartment against the bus route map and there were no buses that went to that end of town. How was I supposed to get Daina's car back?

Sheepishly calling Daina and telling her the story, I wondered if one of her work friends could play chauffeur for us to collect her car, while I had the release money and car key, I also feared the tow yard might not release the car to me as it was in Daina's name. She called a friend who was free and gave her a ride and soon after picked me up and we got Daina's car back and took her friend out for breakfast as payment.

Always wanting to approach problems in a constructive manner, I returned to the manger and said that, since I had experience with desktop publishing, I could create parking tags for him to pass out to the tenants and then he would be better able to tell which cars belonged in the parking lot and which ones didn't. He though that was a great idea and all I asked for in return was the cost of getting them printed. He agreed and I went to work on my computer and came up with a design that he liked and the problem was soon solved. Having gotten to know me better, he asked me where I worked out. Worked out? I asked. He said he could tell I was a body builder since I wore a sweat tee shirt and he was thinking of building up his muscles as well. I noted that I didn't go to a club but 'worked out' at home.

This was funny. As with my notebook in High School, now my attempt to hide my breasts during my final college years had 'over achieved' and people mistook my sports bra strapped down breast as prominent pectoral muscles, despite my long hair tied as a tail. I'd cut the sleeves down on the sweat shirts which I used to hide the sports bra straps, I guess people assumed those short sleeves hid the otherwise nonexistent bulging muscles of my upper arms? One time a female teacher in one of my classes called for our nightly mid-class break, she quickly made her way to the door out, but then stopped with a group of girls waiting by the door for some reason. As I got from the back of the class to the door to leave she burst into laughter as if someone had told her a joke, though I hadn't seen any of them talking at the time. She leaned forward and supported herself momentary from 'the laughter' by resting her hand on the left side of my chest. Once I got to the cafeteria and thought about it, I felt this was a staged moment and could only guess that the teacher wanted to cop-a-feel of my 'pectoral muscle' to see how firm it was. As it was my breast strapped down by the sports bra a couple of sizes too small, I wondered what she reported to the girls who had gathered by her once I left the room?

When I had returned to College the previous year, I was greeted by the half American/half German girl who handled the reception desk at the office when otherwise not in a class herself. Over the years I would chat with her from time to time when I'd visit the office. One evening when I was chatting with her during the class break, she suddenly brought up the topic about 'all of those minorities around ruining the country' while eying me intently. Given my Native American mixed race background, I decided not to bring that up and instead simply shrugged my shoulders and replied, ''I hadn't thought about that.'' She didn't continue with the topic and with the way she had looked at me intently at the time I wasn't sure if she was trying to figure out if 'I was a body builder' because I was a secret White Supremacist, or if she herself was one and had been trying to see if I'd make a good recruit? I hoped it wasn't the latter as, given her half German ancestry, that would have been a sad commentary that there were still problems in Germany despite how World War II had turned out. Either way, I reduced my subsequent visits with her to only the few times I needed to ask her about an office related question.

With Fall, came the obligatory 'Psychology 101' class. I was actually looking forward to taking it as, with my years seeing Jude and then Samuel, I felt like a psychology acolyte as much of the time they would be giving me pointers on how to assess troubled people and help to calm them down if they were having a problem relating to me and my ambiguous nature. Arriving at the first day of the class, this new instructor flat out told us that, rather than going through the book and teaching us about psychology, he was going to 'teach us to be good Christians as that was the only thing we needed to know for good mental health'. Then once he was done with that he would briefly go through the book at the end of the semester to point out all of the flaws in the 'secular humanist psychological philosophy'. When break came, I went straight to the office to withdraw from the class and transfer to the daytime version taught by one of the instructors I already knew and respected. That paperwork done, I went to the cafeteria for the rest of my break.

When I left there I was spotted by one of the staff and asked to return to the office. In there was the rest of my 'Psychology 101' classmates and they, too, had decided to drop the night class and look into joining the day class. Given that the College would no longer have the minimum number of students left in the night class to pay for the instructor to be there, they were instead going to replace him by the following week and didn't want any of us to transfer out. We agreed and I returned to the classroom to retrieve my books and then left the teacher to watch me leave for the rest of the night. I wondered if he was aware of what was going on at the office...?

Had the other students been following my lead, or had all of us deciding to drop the class at the same time been a coincidence given the attitude of the instructor? In this case, rather than pet my already over inflated ego, I've assumed it was a coincidence.

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Time With Samuel

113

Seeing Samuel was a huge ego boost for me. After years of no support and harassment at the hands of medical doctors and other psychology professionals, he was completely supportive of my 'situation' and my desire to look into and resolve it.

During our first sessions, he asked about my previous experiences with psychological professionals and I told him of the psychologist who'd I first seen during my four day hospital stay in Nineteen Eighty-Seven, which was a good experience, and then the times with the mental health social worker 'Stella Hernandez' who had spent the sessions telling me about her life and problems rather than the other way around, my experiences with the Vocational Rehabilitation psychologist and his bizarre technique & findings, and my brief time with the counselor whose office was at the other hospital in town who denied I had even had a sister and who desperately wanted to find records of a nonexistent time I was in a mental institution. Samuel noted that often times people go into the psychological field to learn about their own issues rather than with the goal of helping others in mind and as a result they will often spend their time using patients as blank slates for their own use.

In my case Samuel felt I made the perfect blank slate given my ambiguous racial background as well as my biologically ambiguous sex and tendency to be initially quiet when meeting people given my stuttering. He could see many people filling in that initial question mark of who and what I was with what was going on in their own minds rather than taking me as I truly was. I noted the many times I had people see me and blow up about things I knew nothing about but they thought I was guilty of; and also of the times when people would see me and suddenly feel I was the right person to unburden themselves about dark matters in their lives.

Samuel agreed that these occurrences fit into his 'blank slate' theory. Some people saw me as a way to externalize their own neuroses, in the case of things people didn't like about themselves they would paint them onto me. In the case of people who needed to unburden themselves, they could imagine me as the person they needed to confess to as there was nothing definitive about me to dissuade them and also, seeming to appear outside of the social norm, I wasn't perceived as a threat that would, or socially could, judge them for their confession. He noted that often times people of any particular majority would often feel more comfortable telling secret things to people of a perceived minority as 'if it ever got out' they could use the person's minority status as a reason why that information shouldn't be given credence.

I mentioned a time when someone said they believed I could 'read peoples souls', Samuel returned that it was people's reactions to me that gave me the insight into other peoples' souls. In many ways I was like a walking-taking Rorschach Test for some people.

As part of coming up to speed about me, Samuel requested to get the records of my neuropsychological evaluation from 'Dr. Maverick'. I agreed though pointed out my past experiences that doctors would use those contacts to verbally pass on B.S. about me to other professionals. He said we could give it a try and see what happens. I signed the paperwork and he sent off for the records. When they arrived he told me that while she might have told me verbally that my pain in the left side of my head and subsequent permanent deficit in February of Nineteen Eighty-Nine 'might have been a stroke' she had noted it affirmatively in her records, so the diagnosis stood. He then told me a few sessions later that 'Dr. Maverick' was having to move her practice out of town and she was now disavowing that diagnosis in order to avoid further trouble with the Colorado Medical community.

Still, from her records Samuel confirmed my genius I.Q. level and explained to me that my score meant I was 'at or above the doctorate level in most subject areas'. He clarified that it was 'at or above' as the tests were standardized to the doctorate level and since I had maxed out in so many areas, for all we knew I was above the doctorate level and they simply couldn't detect that with the test. I joking asked him if that was why I had so many problems with medical doctors, since the saying was 'doctors make the worst patients' and I was 'at the doctorate level'. We laughed at that and then he confirmed it might be the case as I was sharp enough to sometimes see through the doctors' actions and realize they weren't making logical sense in what they were doing or saying.

He asked if I wouldn't mind taking one of his own favored psychological tests and I agreed. When the results came back, it found me to be normal BUT that it flagged that I seemed to be hiding negative information about myself. When we discussed what that might mean I noted the handful of questions it had asked about presumed past sexual partners and resulting problems with them. As I had never had any sexual partners I therefore reported never having problems with them. Just to see, we picked one of those questions and changed the answer to 'have had a problem with' and reran the results. The following meeting he affirmed that the test now found me to be normal without any reservations. We concluded the test should be updated not to assume everyone taking it had been sexually active beforehand.

When the topic reached to my mixed-sex 'situation' it ultimately came down to first making sure I was fully aware of the social pluses & minuses of each gender role, and helping me deal with other people who were uncomfortable with me given my ambiguity and possible future choices. In the case of gender roles he felt I had a pretty good handle on them as I had started to observe and consider the differences since my surprise puberty at age thirteen. In the case of helping people it was more of the same sort of 'unofficial psychological counseling pointers' that Jude had given me for dealing with medical doctors, to first calm any situation down as much as possible and then spend time asking questions to bring into the open the source of the other person's discomfort and discuss it.

When it came to what choice I would make, as Dr. 'Czarniecki' concluded that I couldn't be biologically any more 'a man' than I already was, and the trial estrogen injections had made the sudden fevers I had been experiencing during the previous decade of my life go away, it seemed a simple choice to me to consider normalizing as female. That decision would have been much harder for me if we had still been in nineteen fifties America with its strict and confining life choices women had in that day and age, but by the nineteen nineties women had made huge strides toward equality in America. What level of discrimination that was left seemed little different to what I had already faced with my mixed-race background and life long stuttering. When it came to seeing medical doctors, I couldn't imagine things being worse than what I had already experienced with them while being intersexed. On that point, Samuel agreed.

As women more often than not had longer hair than men, Samuel recommended I grow out my hair and see if I liked having it that way...

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The Beast

109

At first going from having infinite free time and then back to full-time College was a bit of an adjustment; I was suddenly having to keep to a daily schedule again and perform tasks other than the ones I chose at the spur of any moment. But only within a few weeks my mind lit up with other things to think about and cognitively toy-with during my days. One semester, I had a 'business' class as well as a 'marketing' class. Marketing class was more interesting as it gave me insight as to what physically formed, versus what the intentions were for, various types of advertisements.

Yet one day in 'business' class I perked up when the teacher proffered what he felt was obvious to him, that someone could buy the vacant two story national bus building downtown and turn it into a drive through grocery store. The 'Trailways' bus line was the competitor to the more dominant national bus line in the country. But times were hard for it and they eventually had to close their branch in our town by the nineteen eighties. Their building, designed to have the buses pull through the lower story while the passengers would wait on the upper floor, had been empty ever since.

Our business teacher envisioned people driving into the bottom floor and giving their grocery lists at the pull in. It would be sent to employees upstairs with the stock and they'd bag it for them and send it down to the drive through exit, where the customers would have already paid, and the groceries would be placed in the car. It was the grocery store equivalent of a fast food place. While other students in the room murmured various notes of surprise or acceptance, given my years in the grocery field I knew it would never work. First off the top floor of the building wasn't large enough to hold the variety of food stuffs that customers would expect. Second, running through all that stock to pick out the items people wanted would take far more time than picking a burger out of a bin. And while it was annoying enough when your fast food order arrived and had one or more wrong items in it, could you imagine families paying fifty to seventy-five dollars for a grocery order and have bags placed into their car with them assuming it'd be correct on faith and just drive off? For something like this to work, there would need to be strict verification of the orders, when given and once delivered. But including this additional verification time would leave customer cars sitting in the lower level for up to half an hour. Why would customers find this more desirable than picking the items they wanted off the shelf and seeing for themselves what they were getting as they checked out?

Not liking the business teacher's idea struck me as writing for a television show struck me. If I watched an episode I didn't like, my mind would go to work on figuring out how to do it better. In the case of this drive through grocery store idea, I couldn't help myself but to dwell on it and work up a viable alternative. By the end of the week I had the better idea in mind and it was just sitting there waiting to be delivered when the business teacher assigned us our final project 'to create a detailed business plan for a business of our choosing', and the marketing teacher's Final was 'to create a marketing plan for an imagined business of our choosing'. Needless to say I was primed and ready!

Creating the business plan was the hardest of the two whereas given my previous years of writing, desktop publishing, knowing artists, and even failing to produce an audio drama on tape, I was quickly done with the marketing campaign and example advertisement scripts. In the case of the marketing material, some of it was television commercial scripts and while I couldn't film the actual ad, I knew I could make the soundtrack for it using my audio equipment and multi-voice talent. So for the visuals I approached Suzi, the founder of our defunct writer's group and asked if she could help me out. Before coming to our town and forming the writer's group, she had lived in a rural part of Colorado and formed an artist's group there to help feed her own drawing and painting interests. I knew what I needed the various pictures to show for the television commercial storyboard and asked her if she would be willing to draw them up for me. As I had hoped, since it tickled an area of her creative talents that she hadn't used in years, she was happy to do the minimalist artwork I wanted.

While she worked on that, I then focused on the business plan and tapped into my long time friend Jeff for insights. As he had grown-up watching his father create and run a dry cleaning chain, he had a broad knowledge of what businesses would need to get off the ground as well as technical names for the various types of equipment I'd need. Discussing my 'alternative' grocery store concept with him over the course of a few hours he helped me nail down the broad details I'd need to keep in mind and budget for. Then it was time to start calling the various companies who would be involved in such a business and crunch the numbers. In the case of building costs, I contacted a construction company touting their recent work on a grocery store building they were nearing completion on. The secret was not to ask how much that project had cost, but how much a project like that would cost; thus client confidentiality was maintained as they gave me the rounded off, but closely accurate figure. I then called the utility company and did the same thing for the utility costs of such a place, giving two different existing businesses I felt would be on par in their energy usage. While she couldn't have told me the figures for either business without breaking confidentiality, since I had given her two businesses to look at, she could give me the average of the two which was close enough for my plan's estimate.

There would be a need for large refrigerated rooms, one each for chilled items & frozen items. I could estimate the size of the rooms based on my own knowledge of the percentage of a store dedicated to those items. I then contacted an industrial refrigeration company in Denver and asked them for an installation estimate which would include specialized insulating concrete floors, the insulated metal sheathed housings and the specialized piping and compressors for those rooms. I was so detailed when giving this information to the company representative on the phone that he assumed I was doing this for real and said he'd draw up a detailed estimate for me and call back with the figures at the end of the week. Given the level of work he was going to do, I decided not to correct him and tell him I was only doing a project for College.

Touching base again with Jeff I figured the number of initial employees I'd need to start the company and he provided the associated costs beyond an hourly wage for each. He also helped me fill in the broad strokes and costs associated with an online ordering system for the business and I had all of the information I needed.

I created the business plan with at least a two year financing window for it to become established and start breaking even. Adding the figures from the industrial refrigeration company when they called back, I was done with my full detailed business plan for my delivery or pickup grocery store business. People could place their order online, or if desired with a live person over the phone, and it would be assembled overnight and then they could pick it up at their leisure the following day or it could be delivered to their home at a specific hour. Given the overnight assembly of the order, this provided plenty of time for the customer to confirm what they wanted with their order ahead of time, then a group of employees to roam the warehouse and collect the items needed for the order, and finally a string of people to validate that the order had been properly filled with all of the items desired. Based on a nineteen ninety business understanding I didn't include the mechanical automation that would now be naturally incorporated into the business if pursued today.

Picking up the artwork from Suzi a day before hand, I arrived at the College with my audio soundtrack tape in hand and waited for many of the other students to present their work first in marketing class. I found I had little competition to worry about. I quickly described the business I had created my ad for and when I played the tape and displayed the story board pictures in sequence on the overhead projector as the tape ran, I knew I was doing well. The wide-eyed silence of the other students was all I needed and I soaked it up. I got top marks from the teacher. For business class I came in and while the other students placed their handful of pages long business proposals on the teacher's desk for him to review by the end of the week, I plopped my folder on his desk with my business plan and, just for fun, included the advertising story board drawings and soundtrack tape as well.

Having grown up with little positive feedback from parents or teachers as a child, I had learned to live without it. In order to survive I developed my own sense of when I was doing well or not and for anyone's feedback to have any impact on me they had to provide the facts to show how their opinions were grounded. Without that grounding, others' opinions were gravely disadvantaged in my eyes when compared to my own self-judgment. This has left some people baffled when I would curse myself for not having something done to perfection while they thought it was 'good enough', but this would also lead me to unshakably know when I had done a good job, regardless of what some other people might think.

This built in sense of self appraisal & judgment Daina found to be my biggest drawback. But assessing & judging it for myself, I've found it to be my greatest strength.

Why do I feel the need to explain it's not ego based...?

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Politics

108

Since the truck had crashed through my previous apartment the last night I had stayed at Pat's house, I had since talked to him on the phone a few times and even visited him one weekend when Daina went to Denver to see her mother and she dropped me off at his house for the afternoon. It had been eight years of being friends since we'd met at the software start-up firm we had both briefly worked at. Given my recent experience at RMT, I had to call him and let him know of the news and he, working for AT&T at the time, told me that corporations were often like that, short-sighted & thoughtless.

But there were other things going on in my life as well.

It was time to find myself a new primary care physician NOT related to the community health clinic. The young physician who had been seeing me, since my original doctor there had been run out of the state, had recently come under pressure for continuing to treat me. I understood the position he was in and returned to the doctor referral phone numbers with little effect. Despite not being Gay, I figured that a doctor willing to have Gay patients might also be more tolerant of having an intersexed patient and called their local helpline asking if they had any medical doctors they would recommend. The helpline officially had none, but the woman who answered the phone did note who her own doctor was and said she had been having good experiences with her. I took down the name and number and called to see if her office accepted my insurance coverage. They did and I made an initial appointment.

To cut the line of harassment that followed me in the medical community, I decided not to have my records from the community health clinic sent to her thus, as they wouldn't have her name or address, other people in the medical community wouldn't be able to get it as well. My hope was to have a firewall that would keep this new doctor safe from bullying if she took me on as a patient. The first appointment went well and I asked her right up front if she was comfortable having a patient who was intersexed. She laughed, but said she was and so I accepted her as my new primary doctor.

Given this recent luck with the local Gay helpline, I decided to find out more about them and what other professionals they might recommend working with in town. As part of visiting them I became aware of the new state initiative on the upcoming November ballot. Sponsored by a church group, it was called 'Amendment 2' and it purportedly was to insure Gays, Bisexuals & Transsexuals didn't end up with 'Special Rights' in the state that would 'exceed the normals rights everyone else had'. I decided to join a meeting about the proposed amendment and they went through it line for line. After a page and three quarters of preamble, we finally reached the substantive clauses which ordered that Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals and Transgendered people couldn't be protected under the laws of Colorado, be they state, county or local. The first obvious question was: ''Did it mean protected by any law?'' If so, then it would include laws against assault, robbery, fraud and even murder. If it wasn't to be so broad, why didn't they say so in the substantive language? It seemed the actual legal text at the end of the amendment was very different in action to what the generous preamble had been saying. It looked like the intent of the amendment was very different than what most people had been publicly told.

Next, the meeting host introduced us to some 'interesting text' in the Americans With Disabilities Act of Nineteen Ninety. Senators Edward Kennedy and Jesse Helms had co-sponsored an amendment to it which added legal protection to intersexed people as well as any mixed sex individuals. The host's intention was to point out that the definition of 'mixed sexed individuals' hadn't been legally defined and wondered if it could be interpreted broadly enough to include people with interests that could be deemed as a mixture of the sexes, such as men liking men as women liked men, etc. In my case I paid little attention to the rest of the point as I realized I didn't need it to be more broadly interpreted to include me. Even if I wasn't covered because of my stuttering, or recent past with an intestinal infection, I was covered simply for being intersexed. With further research I found that it assured I would no longer have to face losing a job for not being able to pass a physical given my mixed-sex background: Disqualifications stemming from a 'physical' had to be directly related to one's ability to perform a job. For the first time since puberty one of the biggest employment clouds over my head had disappeared.

Still, there were concerns about my friends. Many of them had bought into the preamble of Amendment 2 and had become supporters. Given my training with Samuel, my psychologist, I knew not to directly disagree on matters but to prompt research desires in those friends. I'd ask them if they had read the whole amendment or just the preamble? If they weren't willing to read the whole text, I'd come back to them with it and tell them I was confused by the final paragraphs and asked what it meant to them? While I wasn't wholly successful at swaying all of my friends away from their support, I guessed I had convinced almost half of them to back away from it.

Then came the Fall phone call with Pat as we chatted about RMT, life and the coming political election and we finally got around to the topic of Amendment 2. Given his religious background he was definitely for it as 'those people' didn't need 'special rights'. When I asked if he had read the entire amendment or just the preamble he noted that he didn't have to do either as his church had let him know of the amendment and how to vote was obvious. Being on a phone line, I couldn't show the full text to Pat and ask him what the last few paragraphs meant so I brain stormed another way of opening his mind on the topic. I asked him if he was concerned that it might impact people who weren't Gay, but who people simply assumed they were. He didn't know what I meant. So I drew from examples in my own life during the previous decade where people noticed I wasn't actively dating a string of girls and asked me if I was Gay as a result. Then I told him of others who had simply assumed it to be the case. What if someone assumed someone else was Gay, would that assumption be enough legal grounds to conclude they weren't protected under the laws of Colorado?

Pat slammed the handset of the phone against a table three times and I pulled away my handset from my ear to protect it from the loud noise. ''Are you still there?'' I heard him ask. I said I was and he slammed down the receiver again, this time hanging it up. Stunned, I took a moment to let this filter in and then decided to call back. There was no answer. I paced around my apartment for a bit while I debated what this meant and after a few more minutes I called back. This time his wife answered and informed me that Pat was gathering up any belongings of mine he had borrowed over the years and I was to stop by their house tomorrow and pick it up. Pat wasn't going to talk to me again. The call was over.

I next called Daina and told her of the call to Pat and asked if I could borrow her car for the next day. She agreed. When I got to his house in Denver, his wife answered the door. As it was a weekday, I already guessed Pat wouldn't be home, but I asked his wife what the problem was. She wore a smirk, but wouldn't tell me, simply handing me a box with a couple of my science fiction books and record albums. I was never told why, but it was clear my friendship with Pat was abruptly over.

I guess I had gotten the answer to my question. Not only if someone assumed someone was Gay could they be gotten rid of in Pat's eyes, even if they had ever been falsely assumed to be Gay, that was good enough for him.

The amendment passed and went to the Supreme Court. They confirmed that the final language in the law was too broad to pass constitutional muster and threw it out. As the rest of Amendment 2 was just the glossy preamble, that decision effectively left the Amendment null and void.

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