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I realized I was a changed person after all of what had happened to
me. It wasn't simply a case of cognitive changes where I used to
have near photographic memories of many of my childhood experiences,
and remembering word for word many of the key conversations I had
with friends and family members at the time. With my years of
emaciation these had now faded to impressions and gist. But my
personality had changed as well.
I used to be the tag along kid always willing to help and try
something new. While I was still willing to tag along, help and try
new things, I now did so with caution & measure. Whereas
I used to always trust adults and 'my betters', I now realized I
often had a greater grip on the facts and trusted my own judgment on
things rather than blindly taking theirs. If something didn't
agree with the way I saw things, I was willing to change my mind if
they were willing to provide the evidence, but I no
longer assumed they were right and I must be mistaken. Where
I used to not care for metal rock, with shrieky lyrics of betrayal &
rebellion, I now found I identified with it all too well.
I had hardened.
Not as an impervious rock, but more like tempered steel.
If the need arose, I was willing to smash and cut my way through a
situation if I had to, metaphorically speaking. I never again
trusted a doctor to tell me a test result, I would always get my own
copy of the result ahead of time to review and research for myself.
Then when I'd see the doctor about it I would discuss the results
from a position of knowledge, rather than as a
trusting, mute, empty-eyed recipient. Many doctors don't like
knowledgeable patients, I have no tolerance for those doctors
either.
While in the past I would often take a seat and watch what was going
on around me as an observer, now I watched more as a cat willing to
have my curiosity filled with the observation, but also willing to
leap, attack and kill if I felt the need to get involved. Again,
metaphorically speaking. Some friends have been
surprised by this as they take me as the same 'go along to get along'
person. At least Ninety percent of the time I would just seem like
'me' yet, if needed, I let them know where I stood. They would be
flustered for a moment and then have to accept it.
I don't now if it was the right lesson to have taken from the first
twenty-seven years of my life, but it was the lesson I took just the
same, and I've never
regretted it.
From this point forward in my life,
I've striven to tag everything I've heard. No longer do I hear
things and then pass them on without thought. Now, if I've not
verified it for myself, I'll note that 'Bob
told me...', 'Jill
said this...', always trying to keep the source of the information
associated with the information itself in case... Just
in case it turns out to have problems.
And yet, once I've checked into something myself, all tags are
discarded and I present the information as fact, no
equivocation, no supporting
sources cited. If you don't believe me, then look it up for
yourself. I already have,
likely.
For years I could be embarrassed or flustered as anyone else. But
after my many failed physical examinations with doctors, I find
nothing embarrasses me any more. If I turn out not to be
aware of something or have the facts wrong, I quickly admit it
and have a little laugh at my own expense on the side. I
like to think of all of this as gaining self confidence and applying
it, some people see it as threatening and are wary of me.
Sometimes
it's just as well but very rarely it's not and I miss an opportunity
I would have liked. But in the scheme of things, I find those lost
moments an acceptable cost for what I've gained.
I've gained the person who I am today.
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