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Working with Jude had been very helpful for the first six months as
he confirmed the machinations going on about me in the medical
community, and provided me pointers in how to approach wary medical
doctors I would later see and help them be more comfortable working
on my health issues. But once my health was addressed and restored,
we were at a bit of a loss as to what we should do with our
appointments. He decided to comb through the remaining medical
community and find the perfect primary care doctor to help me with my
future needs, unfortunately all he could find where doctors willing
to meet me, as the one they had heard about on the medical grape
vine, but not willing to assure ongoing medical care.
I felt my visits with the new doctor at the community health clinic
were productive enough and I'd abandoned the fat enzymes and
associated visits to Premier Medical Center after they admitted their
role in getting my previous doctor run out of the state. If
I didn't see them any more, then they couldn't ask me who my new
doctor was and begin to threaten him. Also as I was
easily gaining weight again, I didn't need the minor additional
benefit the fat enzymes had given me.
A year after I had first started seeing Jude, I broached the subject
of looking into my intersexed situation and discovering what options
I had. He noted that we had already looked into it to his level of
expertise and didn't know what else there was to do about it. I
noted that perhaps I should look into being legally female rather
than as I currently was, legally male. He felt that was a terrible
idea as women had a lower place in society and I would face
discrimination if I pursued that. I pointed out the years of
discrimination I had already faced for being legally male while not
very biologically male. I also noted I was willing to look into
being more physically male as well. It was just a case that I wanted
to look into my 'situation' further and find out my options.
I had spent my first decade since puberty hiding and ignoring my
'situation', functionally in denial about it even though I was
consciously aware of it and wondered about it as the decade passed.
Then I spent the past few years focusing on my health problems and
putting those issues aside. At the time, there was no need to
worry about my 'situation' then
as I concluded I'd likely die before I'd have to face it. But
now as it was clear I was going to live a full life, unless I was
unexpected killed in a car accident, I felt I should look into my
mixed-sex situation and address it now, before I entered a life long
profession.
But Jude was generally freaked out by the concept and said he
wouldn't help me with it, that I should just continue my life as I
had been during my first decade since it had cropped up: Keeping my
breasts bound, perhaps putting on a fake, more masculine sounding
voice, continue to shave only once every few days to let the little
bit of stubble make me appear more manly. But I found, after the
experiences I had gone through, the last thing I had wanted to do was
just return to living a life of denial when it came to the issue.
But he was clear, he would not help me consider and look into my
options in that respect, but I could continue with him on my
health issues and counseling on doctor interaction issues.
Thinking it over on my own for the next few months, I concluded to
find myself a second counselor who would be willing to help me with
this desire to explore my options. I was once again to the phone
book & physician referral helplines and was back to leaving
messages on answering machines, just giving my first name and the
area of counseling I was interested in. There were no professionals
in town trained to address it so I wasn't surprised that I got back
even fewer return calls than when trying to find a counselor for my
medical doctor issues. This time I didn't even get return calls from
people polite enough to let me know they weren't interested. Then
one psychologist called me back and was willing to mutually look into
my options as he came up to speed on them himself.
We agreed on a date & time for an initial visit and when I got to
the address I discovered it was the same small Victorian house where
I had seen the psychiatric nurse four years earlier! I suddenly
felt my stomach twisting and debated not staying for the appointment
as I wasn't comfortable with the thought of being involved with
anyone even indirectly associated with the physician who had
originally defrauded me, even if they had later told me they
regretted that association. Yet, she was merely
someone who worked in the office next to the one I was going to go to
so was it really an issue? I concluded to go into the
building and walk to the waiting area next to her office door. It
turned out there was a new name on the plaque outside and I wondered
if she, too, had been run out of town for her barely supportive
role in my health issues. Either way, with her gone, my fears of
this new counselor and her gossiping about me after each appointment
vanished and I settled into a chair as I awaited to be called into
the new counselor's office.
I'll call him 'Samuel'.
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