Wednesday, November 9, 2016

New Choices

91


Working with Jude had been very helpful for the first six months as he confirmed the machinations going on about me in the medical community, and provided me pointers in how to approach wary medical doctors I would later see and help them be more comfortable working on my health issues. But once my health was addressed and restored, we were at a bit of a loss as to what we should do with our appointments. He decided to comb through the remaining medical community and find the perfect primary care doctor to help me with my future needs, unfortunately all he could find where doctors willing to meet me, as the one they had heard about on the medical grape vine, but not willing to assure ongoing medical care.
I felt my visits with the new doctor at the community health clinic were productive enough and I'd abandoned the fat enzymes and associated visits to Premier Medical Center after they admitted their role in getting my previous doctor run out of the state. If I didn't see them any more, then they couldn't ask me who my new doctor was and begin to threaten him. Also as I was easily gaining weight again, I didn't need the minor additional benefit the fat enzymes had given me.
A year after I had first started seeing Jude, I broached the subject of looking into my intersexed situation and discovering what options I had. He noted that we had already looked into it to his level of expertise and didn't know what else there was to do about it. I noted that perhaps I should look into being legally female rather than as I currently was, legally male. He felt that was a terrible idea as women had a lower place in society and I would face discrimination if I pursued that. I pointed out the years of discrimination I had already faced for being legally male while not very biologically male. I also noted I was willing to look into being more physically male as well. It was just a case that I wanted to look into my 'situation' further and find out my options.
I had spent my first decade since puberty hiding and ignoring my 'situation', functionally in denial about it even though I was consciously aware of it and wondered about it as the decade passed. Then I spent the past few years focusing on my health problems and putting those issues aside. At the time, there was no need to worry about my 'situation' then as I concluded I'd likely die before I'd have to face it. But now as it was clear I was going to live a full life, unless I was unexpected killed in a car accident, I felt I should look into my mixed-sex situation and address it now, before I entered a life long profession.
But Jude was generally freaked out by the concept and said he wouldn't help me with it, that I should just continue my life as I had been during my first decade since it had cropped up: Keeping my breasts bound, perhaps putting on a fake, more masculine sounding voice, continue to shave only once every few days to let the little bit of stubble make me appear more manly. But I found, after the experiences I had gone through, the last thing I had wanted to do was just return to living a life of denial when it came to the issue.
But he was clear, he would not help me consider and look into my options in that respect, but I could continue with him on my health issues and counseling on doctor interaction issues.
Thinking it over on my own for the next few months, I concluded to find myself a second counselor who would be willing to help me with this desire to explore my options. I was once again to the phone book & physician referral helplines and was back to leaving messages on answering machines, just giving my first name and the area of counseling I was interested in. There were no professionals in town trained to address it so I wasn't surprised that I got back even fewer return calls than when trying to find a counselor for my medical doctor issues. This time I didn't even get return calls from people polite enough to let me know they weren't interested. Then one psychologist called me back and was willing to mutually look into my options as he came up to speed on them himself.
We agreed on a date & time for an initial visit and when I got to the address I discovered it was the same small Victorian house where I had seen the psychiatric nurse four years earlier! I suddenly felt my stomach twisting and debated not staying for the appointment as I wasn't comfortable with the thought of being involved with anyone even indirectly associated with the physician who had originally defrauded me, even if they had later told me they regretted that association. Yet, she was merely someone who worked in the office next to the one I was going to go to so was it really an issue? I concluded to go into the building and walk to the waiting area next to her office door. It turned out there was a new name on the plaque outside and I wondered if she, too, had been run out of town for her barely supportive role in my health issues. Either way, with her gone, my fears of this new counselor and her gossiping about me after each appointment vanished and I settled into a chair as I awaited to be called into the new counselor's office.
I'll call him 'Samuel'.



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